If AOL Was A City.......... •You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were hot 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced, gay Dobermans in spandex. •You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. •The commute to work would be just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic would knock you back into your yard. •12 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers/promotions/discounts from www.pornsmack.com •The local post office would tell your mother that you are not a known resident, and won't forward your mail if you move. •If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how "really important you are to us". •The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else. •Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you demanding to know: M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?!, and little kids would call your cell phone saying "Wanna Screw?" •Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e HaXoR from the Town Council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house, or we will be forced to evict you and your family." •Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE." •Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag, and laugh behind your back. •You'd occasionally be sent home during the day--by another bouncer, telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's own damn fault... •The local McDonald's sign would be realistically changed to: "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police, instead of investigating, would show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether. •Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy. •Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill. •Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your front door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the shit out of you, while saying: "ROFLMAO LOL" •You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms. •You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and new arrivals to the neighborhood would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup. •The administration would build a huge, state-of-the-art playground, allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the shit out of kids currently playing there. •Other entertainment centers in town will be locked--so that kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons", while hordes of perverts and pedophiles will be allowed in to ensure the kids stay entertained. •Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout: "HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDAMN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW." •A trip to the local library would find you a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g. •Community events would be periodically interrupted, due to the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall, then appearing several minutes later with some STUPID-ASS comment about a Punt Monster.